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Coffee Table

by Success 5000

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1.
Standards 02:14
Damn, girl! You lookin' so fine with your big blue eyes And skin the colour of a sweet yam, girl! You look like you'd like to look like you tan but don't How do you know Pam? She speaks highly of you Thinks I could love you, and you'd get along with my family But let's wait and see, 'cuz first I gotta work out if you're right for me What are your thoughts on Starfox 64? Have you ever just straight rocked out to The Lord Of The Rings instrumental score? Have you ever eaten a hot dog off the floor? Did you feel like the jokes weren't quite as strong In Arrested Development Season 4? 'Cuz I did... and I've got standards Geez, girl! The way you rock that Audio Rocketry t-shirt Got me on my knees! You make me wanna treat you right Take you home tonight and make you mac and cheese Put Sriracha on it, maybe watch some Monty Python You know I love John Cleese! But before we get to that I got a couple questions that I have to ask What are your thoughts on Starfox 64? (It's the fuckin' best!) Have you ever just straight rocked out to The Lord Of The Rings instrumental score? (Yeah!) Have you ever eaten a hot dog off the floor? (Ooo, it's probably still good!) Did you feel like the jokes weren't quite as strong In Arrested Development Season 4? (repeats, along with:) I gotta know if you're right for me Before we move this too fast So tell me did you think it was weird when Michael J. Fox's mom hit on him When he got to the past in Back To The Future? I know she didn't know that he was her son But it was still pretty damn gross And why did they hire that rapist to be their Manservant, or whatever? It was pretty fucked up And I didn't get it... And I've got standards
2.
In an ancient time before Denny's existed If you felt inclined to have some coffee and toast You would have to embark upon a perilous journey Through a land of darkness risking all that you love the most You couldn't just look in the fridge, you'd have to Climb a mountain and cross a bridge Storm a castle and plead your case To the only man in the world who can indulge your tastes The breakfast sorcerer Conjuring eggs with a wave of his hand The breakfast sorcerer Scrambling them without a whisk or a pan Though it's worth fighting for To challenge him would surely be reckless The breakfast sorcerer The man with the power of breakfast Though it may seem odd this was the way the world functioned Maybe ancient Gods considered breakfast an abominant crime Then again, perhaps, it was the fault of some unholy enchantment Or a major lapse in the culinary knowledge of the time We can never really know for sure, it was a Long, long time ago and records were poor, Not many people even knew how to read All we really know for sure is that in their time of need They turned to... The breakfast sorcerer Making bacon appear, much to your surprise The breakfast sorcerer Frying it up with fire from his eyes Though it's worth fighting for To challenge him would surely be reckless The breakfast sorcerer The man with the power of breakfast And even if you survived your quest, there was still no guarantee If you failed to earn the favour of the sorcerer There was no telling what your fate would be Perhaps he'd conjure you some old, cold oatmeal And he'd laugh and send you on your way But if you really pissed him off, you might just End up as the special of the day For the breakfast sorcerer Apparating fresh waffles with a wink of his eye The breakfast sorcerer As maple syrup comes raining down from the sky A flavour so intense You'll feel as if you've died and gone up to heaven But heed this warning, friend His powers disappear at eleven In an ancient time before Denny's existed....
3.
Monsters 04:00
I should probably introduce myself I don't think we've ever formally met But I've known your son for many years I'm the monster that lives under his bed I used to scare the crap out of him I'd make him scream until he was nauseous I taught him that the world can be a frightening place I taught him he should always be cautious But lately he's been more concerned with his laptop He's on it all through the night And the sounds I've heard coming out of his speakers Have me thinking something isn't quite right Your kid's been watching really weird porn Since you and your wife got divorced He started with some girl on girl And moved right into girl on horse It's only natural, of course, for a kid to be curious But he Googled "watersports" And it's making me nervous and so I just thought you should know Much like my associate I've known your son for quite some time I'm the monster that lives in his closet And he's hiding stuff in there that he don't want you to find He went through a shoplifting phase But that was over soon enough And there's some crust socks and junk But I'm not bothered by any of that stuff The thing that more concerns me arrived In a little clear plastic bag And I have to admit, I know exactly what it is 'cuz I stole myself a couple of drags And let me tell you Your kid's been smoking terrible weed It's the worst shit that I've ever tried It's so full of stems and seeds I'm amazed it even gets him high Yet he continues to buy it, gram after gram (after gram) I don't know what he's paying But I'm sure he's getting scammed, and so I just thought you should know I've always had your son's best interests in my heart But I may have been a bit off-base with that thing I mentioned back at the start I think your son is probably gay Or bicurious at least He's been overcompensating with weird straight porn But he still watches a whole lot of Glee He feels like he can't be his true self when he's near you And if you don't learn to accept him He'll continue to fear you, and so I just thought you should know If you don't want him to go Quit using words like "homo"
4.
I was a child A long time ago Twenty years or so I got a new hairstyle It was a mushroom cut Looked like a mushroom, but It was hair And I was very excited But all the other kids Made fun of it I wasn't aware TigerBeat had decided That my cut stopped being Popular in '92 And I cried the whole way home I collapsed like a ton of bricks But my mom cheered me up quick It wasn't hard... she did it all with One Weird Trick Discovered by a mom Kept secret all this time One Weird Trick Fixes everything that's wrong For less than $7.99 I was successful A young up-start, twenty-something Hotshot on my way to the top And though the workload was stressful I had my one weird trick To save me when the bottom dropped I was the youngest CFO in company history But as I moved along I never forgot my Mom Because she gave all this to me When she showed me her One Weird Trick That's got all the doctors mad And the linguists really peeved One Weird Trick There's so many imitators But don't ever let yourself be deceived I'm sorry I can't talk for long They're coming to find me The FBI, they want my method for themselves That damn Obama wants to socialize my secret But they'll all surely burn in hell Before I'll tell Anybody my One Weird Trick It isn't theirs to steal I'll take it to my grave One Weird Trick Only 90's kids will really Get it, but that's okay One Weird Trick To trim your belly fat And add it to your penis One Weird Trick For financial independence Not to mention telekinesis
5.
Feelings 03:08
I met a girl, we really connected And that's not even a euphemism We both like the films that David Fincher directed For their beauty and their cynicism She attempted to turn our conversation into flirtation and I I poured out my chai all over the table And threw my butter chicken wrap at her face 'Cause people are awful And feelings are bullshit No matter what we try to pretend, yeah People are awful And feelings are bullshit And I never wanna feel 'em again I had a friend, a friend who got married To a girl he loved 'cause she felt the same Asked me to be the best man, I said "I'd be honoured, Gary," Think I forgot to mention Gary's his name After the ceremony I grabbed the microphone and tapped it twice Then shat in my tux and sat on the wedding cake While screaming the lyrics to Gangsta's Paradise 'Cause people are awful And feelings are bullshit No matter what we try to pretend, yeah People are awful And feelings are bullshit And I never wanna feel 'em again Been spending most our lives living in a Gangsta's Paradise Been spending most our lives living in a Gangsta's Paradise Been spending most our lives living in a Gangsta's Paradise Been spending most our lives living in a Gangsta's Paradise

credits

released March 12, 2014

All songs written and performed by Success 5000.
Produced by Robyn Slack.
Breakfast Sorcerer mixed/mastered by Thomas Martin.
Feelings and One Weird Trick mixed/mastered by Derek Ewanowich.
Monsters and Standards mixed/mastered by Mark McHale.

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Success 5000 Edmonton, Alberta

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