Cavalier

by Success 5000

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1.
02:44
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5.
6.

credits

released August 18, 2013

Copyright 2013 Success 5000
Written, Produced and Recorded by Success 5000

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Success 5000 Edmonton, Alberta

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Track Name: Your Song
Oh man
I don't believe it
I won't believe that it's true
God damn
I think I'm falling
I think I'm falling for you
'Cause my heart
Is beating faster
Just a little faster than it was
At the start
It's a disaster
Because it probably means I'm in love with you

Yes I'm in love with you
And it sucks

Does this mean
That I gotta buy you flowers
Or start taking showers?
'Cause that sounds so lame
And you can just forget it
'Cause I don't have good credit
And I'm so broke
I can't take you out to dinner
Or shop for suits at Winners
To wear when I meat your folks
So we should probably just ignore it
'Cause I really can't afford to be in love with you

And yet I'm in love with you
And it sucks

Ooo I'm in love with you (I'm in love with you)
Yes I'm in love with you
What the fuck?

I just got my room set up the way I like it
And I don't wanna move all your shit in here
'Cause it'll fuck up my feng shui and that's not okay, no
And what if we bought a goldfish together
At a carnival or something, and then we broke up?
That'd suck, 'cause who would get to keep the goldfish?
I LOVED THAT GOLDFISH

(Josh's breakdown)
Track Name: Spoiler Alert
Hey M. Night Shyamalan
Can you tell me what's going on?
You used to make movies we could depend on
And you always had a kick-ass twist to end on
But lately you've been kind of a hack
Can you tell me what's up with that?
Can't you think of any kick-ass twists?
Maybe you better listen to this:

In a house near a bubbling brook
A man sits reading a leather-bound book
But just as he approaches the final chapter
He's attacked by a hungry velociraptor
Well he knows there's only one place where
he'll be safe, and that's the bathroom at the top of the stairs
With the plexiglass doors, so he starts a-hiking
and he's suddenly amidst a horde of angry Vikings
He's somewhat confused by this latest development
He knows he had a plan but doesn't know where the hell it went
He stumbles through a door and at once it's clear
He laughs in triumph, then he trembles in fear
You see the good news is he's made it to the john
He's effectively protected, he's essentially won
But he's suddenly surrounded by primordeal slime
Because the bathroom was a time machine the whole time

That's just
one of our ideas
And we'd love to tell you the rest
But you gotta promise to quit this Airbending shit
And get back to what you do best

'Cause Bruce Willis was a ghost the whole time
And Sam Jackson was a bad guy the whole time
And the Village was set in the present day the whole time
Baby the whole damn time
And Signs was a terrible movie the whole time

Lunchtime at the robot factory
Scientists attending to their daily snackery
The lights go out, they think it's just a breaker
In fact it's time for them to meet their maker
There's a terrible screech and a sound of wings flapping
Nobody can figure out exactly what's happening
Professor Lee cries out, he's been bit, now he's dying
Mrs. Professor Lee can't stop crying
She reaches for his hand but it's cold and shrively
He's got no blood left in his veins or arteries
Doctor Thompson cries out, he's captured the beast
It snarls and hisses, but it won't be released
They decide to kill the creature and go back to their theses
They try to stake its heart, the stake just breaks into pieces
They realize they've committed the ultimate crime
Because the vampire was a robot the whole time

I don't know why
they made a blood-sucking robot
This plot wasn't one of our greatest
It didn't make sense at all, but don't go busting our balls
It's still better than your latest

'Cause Bruce Willis was a ghost the whole time
And Sam Jackson was a bad guy the whole time
And the Village was set in the present day the whole time, baby
The whole time, and Lady In The Water
was a terrible movie the whole time

Bruce Willis was a ghost the whole time
Sam Jackson was a bad guy the whole time
And the Village was set in the present day the whole time
Baby the whole damn time
And The Happening was just a pile of fucking horseshit
Track Name: The Ballad Of Fox McCloud
I did it all for you, Dad
Every power-up that I picked up
And every silver ring through which I flew, Dad
They were for you, Dad, oh
I made your dying wish come true, Dad
I resurrected your old team
And turned it into something new, Dad
Yeah I did that for you, Dad, oh

But now they're shooting at me
And your old pal Peppy
He says to do a barrel roll
How do I do a barrel roll?
I'm staring down the Andross army
And all they wanna do is harm me
I am losing all control
How do I do a barrel roll?

My team is fucking useless
I keep saving their asses
But the enemy masses are fucking ruthless
I don't think we'll make it through this, no
Because this battle is a bloodbath
Wish I could fly back out through that waterfall
And take us off the hard path
But you'd never approve of that, would you, Dad?

And they're still shooting at me
And your old pal Peppy
He says to use the boost to get me through
Is that what I should do?
I'm staring down the Andross army
And all they wanna do is harm me
Is this what it was like back then for you?
And did you use the boost to get you through?

I never wanted this life for myself
But I wouldn't wish your legacy on anybody else, oh
Somebody's gotta finish what you started
'Cause you up and disappeared on a planet
A planet that's uncharted

Everything is fucked, Dad
Blew Andross halfway to Solar
But he rigged the place to blow - we're gonna self-destruct, Dad
I guess I just ran out of luck, Dad, oh
Wait, what's that on the radio, Dad?
Is that a message you sent me
Or am I just fucking mental? Well I don't know, Dad
Just show me where to go, Dad
Go Dad, go Dad, oh

Just get me outta here and keep on flying
'Cause your rare attempts at truth just ain't worth
All the years of lying, oh
Where the hell were you when I was broken-hearted?
Lightyears away from me on a planet
A planet that's uncharted
Track Name: Girl Dead, Police Investigating
The prairie wind on the wheat field
Pushing the weather vein 'round
And tossing her hair into the shape of a fleur-de-lis
Or a maple leaf
A small town in southern Alberta
That's where she died
But the beavers had already gotten to the bodies
By the time the RCMP arrived
The prime minister had nothing to say
Not in English, not even en Francais
A loonie for my trouble and I'm on my way
And for a toonie I might even make it back some day

She was the prettiest girl in Pincher Creek
Just doing the best that she could
Like a strong female protagonist
In a novella by Margaret Atwood
She was a home-grown prairie cowgirl
Kept her heels down in the stirrups
She had eyes like Lake Ontario
And blood, blood like maple syrup

It all went down back in '67
And that was the last year the Leafs ever won the cup
They had Dave Keon, Frank Mahovlich
Bob Pulford, and little Ron Ellis
Pete Stemkowski and George Armstrong
Jim Pappin, Larry Jeffrey and John Brenneman
Brian Conacher and Eddie Shack
Mike Walton, Brit Selby and Brent Imlach
Wayne Carleton, Dick Gamble
Tim Horton, Red Kelly
Larry Hillman, Marcel Pronovost,
Kent Douglas Jim McKenny
Allan Stanley, Johnny Bower
Duane Rupp and Gary Smith
Terry Sawchuk, Bruce Gamble
Bob Baun and Al Smith
Oh Al Smith...

She was the prettiest girl in Pincher Creek
Just doing the best that she could
Like a strong female protagonist
In a novella by Margaret Atwood
She was a home-grown prairie cowgirl
Kept her heels down in the stirrups
She had eyes like Lake Ontario
And blood, blood like maple syrup

And if I saw her today...
Oh, you know what I'd say... I'd say
AUUUUUUGH!!!!
HOLY FUCK I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!!!!
AUUUUUUGH!!!!
Track Name: The Alphabet Song
We're cussing our way through the alphabet
Fucking around with letters and shit
'Cause you never know what kind of crazy words you'll get
When you're cussing your way through the alphabet
Oh yeah

Well A is for Asshole, a wonderful word
B is for Bastard, or Bitch if you prefer
C is for Cunt, use it sparingly
Unless you're from Scotland, then go crazy

We're cussing our way through the alphabet
Fucking around with letters and shit
'Cause you never know what kind of crazy words you'll get
When you're cussing your way through the alphabet
Oh yeah

D is for Douchebags you just wanna smack
Like fucking Chad Kroeger from Nickelback
There aren't too many E words, but now we're in luck
'Cause the letter F is for words like... _______

We're cussing our way through the alphabet
Fucking around with letters and shit
'Cause you never know what kind of crazy words you'll get
When you're cussing your way through the alphabet
Oh yeah

G is for God-damn, and H is for Hell
I is for "I fucked your mom and it was swell."
J is for jackass, K is for kracka
L is for "Lick my sweaty nut-sacka."

M is for Minge or Muff and N is for Nigger
O is for "Oh my God you just said N*****r"
P's for Prick, and Q's for Queef, and R's for Rim Job (that's two words)
S's for Shit, and T's for Tits and U's for Unclefucker

Well V is for Vagina, and W's for Wank
X is for an X-Ray of your Mom's stomach to prove that she's my Sperm Bank
Y is for Your Mom again, she really is a slut
Z is for a Zebra getting fucked

We cussed our way through the alphabet
Fucked around with letters and shit
And now we know what kind of crazy words you get
When you cuss your way through the alphabet
We're cussing our way through the alphabet
Fucking around with letters and shit
'Cause you never know what kind of crazy words you'll get
When you're cussing your way through the alphabet
Oh yeah, oh yeah
Track Name: Unstoppable Things
A vampire with a time machine
A dinosaur that has chainsaws for arms
An Olympic rowing team fashioned entirely out of snakes
David Duchovny in a bear suit

These things are unstoppable
These things are unstoppable

A D minor 7 chord played with a lightning bolt
Thousands and thousands of angry walruses
A bottle of Aunt Jemima's maple syrup
Filled to the brim with deadly phosphorus
A gun that shoots you with diabetes

These things are unstoppable
These things are unstoppable

These things are unstoppable
These things are unstoppable

You could try to stop these things
But you would ultimately fail

Unstoppable Things
Unstoppable Things
Unstoppable Things
Unstoppable Things
Unstoppable Things