Coffee Table

by Success 5000

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1.
02:14
2.
3.
04:00
4.
5.
03:08

credits

released March 12, 2014

All songs written and performed by Success 5000.
Produced by Robyn Slack.
Breakfast Sorcerer mixed/mastered by Thomas Martin.
Feelings and One Weird Trick mixed/mastered by Derek Ewanowich.
Monsters and Standards mixed/mastered by Mark McHale.

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Success 5000 Edmonton, Alberta

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Track Name: Standards
Damn, girl! You lookin' so fine with your big blue eyes
And skin the colour of a sweet yam, girl!
You look like you'd like to look like you tan but don't
How do you know Pam? She speaks highly of you
Thinks I could love you, and you'd get along with my family
But let's wait and see, 'cuz first I gotta work out if you're right for me

What are your thoughts on Starfox 64?
Have you ever just straight rocked out to
The Lord Of The Rings instrumental score?
Have you ever eaten a hot dog off the floor?
Did you feel like the jokes weren't quite as strong
In Arrested Development Season 4?
'Cuz I did... and I've got standards

Geez, girl! The way you rock that Audio Rocketry t-shirt
Got me on my knees! You make me wanna treat you right
Take you home tonight and make you mac and cheese
Put Sriracha on it, maybe watch some Monty Python
You know I love John Cleese! But before we get to that
I got a couple questions that I have to ask

What are your thoughts on Starfox 64?
(It's the fuckin' best!)
Have you ever just straight rocked out to
The Lord Of The Rings instrumental score? (Yeah!)
Have you ever eaten a hot dog off the floor?
(Ooo, it's probably still good!)
Did you feel like the jokes weren't quite as strong
In Arrested Development Season 4?
(repeats, along with:)

I gotta know if you're right for me
Before we move this too fast
So tell me did you think it was weird when
Michael J. Fox's mom hit on him
When he got to the past in Back To The Future?
I know she didn't know that he was her son
But it was still pretty damn gross
And why did they hire that rapist to be their
Manservant, or whatever? It was pretty fucked up
And I didn't get it...

And I've got standards
Track Name: Breakfast Sorcerer
In an ancient time before Denny's existed
If you felt inclined to have some coffee and toast
You would have to embark upon a perilous journey
Through a land of darkness risking all that you love the most

You couldn't just look in the fridge, you'd have to
Climb a mountain and cross a bridge
Storm a castle and plead your case
To the only man in the world who can indulge your tastes

The breakfast sorcerer
Conjuring eggs with a wave of his hand
The breakfast sorcerer
Scrambling them without a whisk or a pan
Though it's worth fighting for
To challenge him would surely be reckless
The breakfast sorcerer
The man with the power of breakfast

Though it may seem odd this was the way the world functioned
Maybe ancient Gods considered breakfast an abominant crime
Then again, perhaps, it was the fault of some unholy enchantment
Or a major lapse in the culinary knowledge of the time

We can never really know for sure, it was a
Long, long time ago and records were poor,
Not many people even knew how to read
All we really know for sure is that in their time of need
They turned to...

The breakfast sorcerer
Making bacon appear, much to your surprise
The breakfast sorcerer
Frying it up with fire from his eyes
Though it's worth fighting for
To challenge him would surely be reckless
The breakfast sorcerer
The man with the power of breakfast

And even if you survived your quest, there was still no guarantee
If you failed to earn the favour of the sorcerer
There was no telling what your fate would be
Perhaps he'd conjure you some old, cold oatmeal
And he'd laugh and send you on your way
But if you really pissed him off, you might just
End up as the special of the day

For the breakfast sorcerer
Apparating fresh waffles with a wink of his eye
The breakfast sorcerer
As maple syrup comes raining down from the sky
A flavour so intense
You'll feel as if you've died and gone up to heaven
But heed this warning, friend
His powers disappear at eleven

In an ancient time before Denny's existed....
Track Name: Monsters
I should probably introduce myself
I don't think we've ever formally met
But I've known your son for many years
I'm the monster that lives under his bed
I used to scare the crap out of him
I'd make him scream until he was nauseous
I taught him that the world can be a frightening place
I taught him he should always be cautious

But lately he's been more concerned with his laptop
He's on it all through the night
And the sounds I've heard coming out of his speakers
Have me thinking something isn't quite right

Your kid's been watching really weird porn
Since you and your wife got divorced
He started with some girl on girl
And moved right into girl on horse
It's only natural, of course, for a kid to be curious
But he Googled "watersports"
And it's making me nervous and so
I just thought you should know

Much like my associate
I've known your son for quite some time
I'm the monster that lives in his closet
And he's hiding stuff in there that he don't want you to find
He went through a shoplifting phase
But that was over soon enough
And there's some crust socks and junk
But I'm not bothered by any of that stuff

The thing that more concerns me arrived
In a little clear plastic bag
And I have to admit, I know exactly what it is
'cuz I stole myself a couple of drags
And let me tell you

Your kid's been smoking terrible weed
It's the worst shit that I've ever tried
It's so full of stems and seeds
I'm amazed it even gets him high
Yet he continues to buy it, gram after gram (after gram)
I don't know what he's paying
But I'm sure he's getting scammed, and so
I just thought you should know

I've always had your son's best interests in my heart
But I may have been a bit off-base with that thing
I mentioned back at the start

I think your son is probably gay
Or bicurious at least
He's been overcompensating with weird straight porn
But he still watches a whole lot of Glee
He feels like he can't be his true self when he's near you
And if you don't learn to accept him
He'll continue to fear you, and so
I just thought you should know
If you don't want him to go
Quit using words like "homo"
Track Name: One Weird Trick
I was a child
A long time ago
Twenty years or so
I got a new hairstyle
It was a mushroom cut
Looked like a mushroom, but
It was hair
And I was very excited
But all the other kids
Made fun of it
I wasn't aware
TigerBeat had decided
That my cut stopped being
Popular in '92

And I cried the whole way home
I collapsed like a ton of bricks
But my mom cheered me up quick
It wasn't hard... she did it all with

One Weird Trick
Discovered by a mom
Kept secret all this time
One Weird Trick
Fixes everything that's wrong
For less than $7.99

I was successful
A young up-start, twenty-something
Hotshot on my way to the top
And though the workload was stressful
I had my one weird trick
To save me when the bottom dropped
I was the youngest CFO in company history
But as I moved along
I never forgot my Mom
Because she gave all this to me
When she showed me her

One Weird Trick
That's got all the doctors mad
And the linguists really peeved
One Weird Trick
There's so many imitators
But don't ever let yourself be deceived

I'm sorry I can't talk for long
They're coming to find me
The FBI, they want my method for themselves
That damn Obama wants to socialize my secret
But they'll all surely burn in hell
Before I'll tell
Anybody my

One Weird Trick
It isn't theirs to steal
I'll take it to my grave
One Weird Trick
Only 90's kids will really
Get it, but that's okay
One Weird Trick
To trim your belly fat
And add it to your penis
One Weird Trick
For financial independence
Not to mention telekinesis
Track Name: Feelings
I met a girl, we really connected
And that's not even a euphemism
We both like the films that David Fincher directed
For their beauty and their cynicism
She attempted to turn our conversation into flirtation and I
I poured out my chai all over the table
And threw my butter chicken wrap at her face

'Cause people are awful
And feelings are bullshit
No matter what we try to pretend, yeah
People are awful
And feelings are bullshit
And I never wanna feel 'em again

I had a friend, a friend who got married
To a girl he loved 'cause she felt the same
Asked me to be the best man, I said "I'd be honoured, Gary,"
Think I forgot to mention Gary's his name
After the ceremony I grabbed the microphone and tapped it twice
Then shat in my tux and sat on the wedding cake
While screaming the lyrics to Gangsta's Paradise

'Cause people are awful
And feelings are bullshit
No matter what we try to pretend, yeah
People are awful
And feelings are bullshit
And I never wanna feel 'em again
Been spending most our lives living in a Gangsta's Paradise
Been spending most our lives living in a Gangsta's Paradise
Been spending most our lives living in a Gangsta's Paradise
Been spending most our lives living in a Gangsta's Paradise