Laughcore

by Success 5000

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1.
03:17
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3.
4.
5.
04:31
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7.
02:57
8.
04:14

credits

released March 21, 2015

All songs written and performed by Success 5000.
Engineered, mixed and mastered by Brett Reid.

Featuring accompaniment by The Exciting Times Jazz Party:
Andrew Creswick (bass)
Eric Doucet (piano)
Cameron O'Neill (drums)
Kyle Waldon (trombone)
Kyle White (guitar)

Copyright 2015 by Success 5000. All rights reserved.

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Success 5000 Edmonton, Alberta

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Track Name: 1997
I don’t have the money to pay back the money
That I borrowed to pay back the money that I borrowed to pay rent
It’s all been spent
And I don’t have a job because I’m going to school
For the prerequisites to get into another school to get my degree
So somebody will employ me

But I can still pretend that things are fine
I can travel back to a simpler time
‘Cause when reality sucks there’s a paradise
In my mind, in my mind, in my mind, yeah, in my mind

Everything is perfect ‘cause it’s 1997
And nothing bad has happened yet
Nobody’s sad in 1997
And there’s no such thing as fear and regret
By 1998, it’ll already be way too late
Yeah, if I had my way I’d be livin’ in 1997

I don’t have a girlfriend ‘cause my standards are way too high
To date anybody whose standards are low enough to date me
Like, how desperate is she?
And I don’t have kids ‘cause I’m just not ready
And I won’t be ready ’til I’m old enough to regret not having them
So I guess I’ll just wait ’til then

But I don’t have to sit here and complain
I can just escape to somewhere sane
I can avoid hard decisions with the Utopian visions
In my brain, in my brain, in my brain, yeah in my brain

Nothing sucks at all because it’s 1997
And the whole wide world is still at peace
Nobody died in 1997
There’s no wars, no murders, and no disease
By 1998, we’ll all have already sealed our fate
But all our sins are forgiven in 1997

Maybe I've got a selective memory
Perhaps I romanticize the past arbitrarily
Maybe my nostalgia negates my objectivity
Maybe Orbitz Soda was just okay
And Savage Garden's career was a big mistake
But if this is the best that history has, I'll take it
I'll take it

1, 2, 3, 4!

There was no climate change in 1997
And barely any national debt
Three years ’til Y2K and four ’til 9/11
We didn't know Tom Cruise was crazy yet
By 1998, all we had left was darkness and hate
The closest we'll ever get to heaven was 1997
The closest we'll ever get to heaven... was 1997
Track Name: Ballad Of The Working Man
He's a hard-workin' man, workin' hard at his work
Puts his heart in his work, but his work hardly pays him enough to get by
In this economy
He wakes up before dawn, every day of his life
Workin' real late, comin' home after midnight
He's never seen the sun
He doesn't know what it looks like

And he was born on the day the Church ran out of bibles
He was born on the day the waterslide burned down
He was born on the day the network cancelled According To Jim
And he'll die on the day his heart stops beating, beating, beating
Beatin' like a big-ass drum

His blood runs thick like oil through an engine
His heart's like an engine, and he's like a truck
But he's not a truck, no matter how much he wishes he was
He's got sweat on his back and grease in hair, blisters on his fingers and dust in his lungs
Fire in his guts and a stain on his blue jeans, gunk in his eyes and a mouth full of cuss words
Skin like plywood, balls full of Campbell's Chunky Soup
And he loves his country

And he was born on the day they tore down the TGI Friday's
He was born on the day that all of the milk went bad
He was born on the day that Facebook changed its newsfeed layout
And he'll die on the day his heart stops beating, beating, beating, beating

He was born on the day they burned the Pope for witchcraft
He was born on the day the moon blew up
He was born on the day before the day after Christmas Eve
And he'll die on the day his heart stops beating, beating, beating
Beating, beating, beating, beating
Beatin' like a big-ass drum
Track Name: Big Dumb Heart
It's not hard to see that you're bad for me
You're like food that's high in trans fats and low in vitamin C
You're like a non-laparoscopic late-stage appendectomy
You're an unsafe operation, there's gonna be complications
And I should just walk away from you, but, but

I got a big dumb heart
Pumping the blood to my big dumb head
That's sending all the signals to my big dumb mouth
To say all the big dumb words that
I never should have said
I got a big dumb heart
Pumping the blood to my big dumb head
That's sending all the signals to my big dumb mouth
To say all the big dumb words that
I never should have said

If I'm print media, you're the next five years
If I'm my own dignity then you're an embarrassingly small amount of beer
If I'm a medium-sized meteorite then you're the atmosphere
You're gonna burn me up, you're gonna break me down
I should just turn around and run, but, but

I got a big dumb heart
Pumping the blood to my big dumb head
That's sending all the signals to my big dumb mouth
To say all the big dumb words that
I never should have said
I got a big dumb heart
Pumping the blood to my big dumb head
That's sending all the signals to my big dumb mouth
To say all the big dumb words that
I never should have said

'Cause you and me are like oil and water
Or cats and dogs, or cats and birds
Or cats and mice, or cats and children
Or cats and most other cats
What I'm trying to say is, we shouldn't mix
And I gotta listen to my brain for a change
Instead of always thinking with my...

Big dumb heart
Pumping the blood to my big dumb... head
That's sending all the signals to my big dumb mouth
To say all the big dumb words that
I never should have said
I got a big dumb heart
Pumping the blood to my big dumb head
That's sending all the signals to my big dumb mouth
To say all the big dumb words that
I never should have said
Track Name: Girl Dead, Police Investigating
The prairie wind on the wheat fields
Pushing the weathervane 'round
And tossin' her hair into the shape of a fleur du lis
Or a maple leaf
A small town in southern Alberta
That's where she died
But the beavers had already gotten to the bodies
By the time the RCMP arrived
The Prime Minister had nothing to say
Not in English, not even en Francais
A loonie for my trouble and I'm on my way
And for a toonie I might even make it back some day

She was the prettiest girl in Pincher Creek
Just doing the best that she could
Like a strong female protagonist
In a novella by Margaret Atwood
She was a home-grown prairie cowgirl
Kept her heels down in the stirrups
She had eyes like Lake Ontario
And blood... blood like maple syrup

It all went down back in '67
And that was the last year the Leafs ever won the cup
They had Dave Keon, Frank Mahovlich
Bob Pulford, and little Ron Ellis
Pete Stemkowski, George Armstrong
Jim Pappin, Larry Jeffrey and John Brenneman
Brian Conacher and Eddie Shack
Mike Walton, Brit Selby and Brent Imlach
Wayne Carleton, Dick Gamble
Tim Horton, Red Kelly
Larry Hillman, Marcel Pronovost,
Kent Douglas Jim McKenny
Allan Stanley, Johnny Bower
Duane Rupp, Gary Smith
Terry Sawchuk, Bruce Gamble
Bob Baun and Al Smith
Oh Al Smith...

She was the prettiest girl in Pincher Creek
Just doing the best that she could
Like a strong female protagonist
In a novella by Margaret Atwood
She was a home-grown prairie cowgirl
Kept her heels down in the stirrups
She had eyes like Lake Ontario
And blood... blood like maple syrup

And if I saw her today...
Oh, you know what I'd say... I'd say:
"AUUUUUUGH!!!! HOLY FUCK I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!!!!
AUUUUUUGH!!!! A GHOST!!!!!"
Track Name: Breaking Up
The door slams behind you
Your footsteps getting fainter one by one
And suddenly it hits me that this means
We're really done
And I can't help feeling
Like I should be feeling
Like, some pretty strong feelings
But I'm not

'Cause it's like you ripped my heart out, but like
Really gently, and with my permission
And you took good care of it and then returned it to me
In nearly mint condition
And now that we're over
I've been thinking it over
If I could do it all over
I wouldn't

'Cause breaking up
Made a lot of sense, it was
Best for us
Under the circumstance, and it
Hurts, but not that much
And we're still sort of friends, 'cause
Neither of us did anything that shitty...

The house is so quiet I can
Hear the echoes of my own heart beating
And it's honestly kind of perfect 'cause I've been
Really meaning to catch up on my reading
So I order a pizza
And I don't put mushrooms on the pizza
("Mushrooms are gross, Debra!")
And then I eat the whole pizza
To myself

You had always said that you and me
Were gonna be in love forever
But that must not have been true because
We are clearly no longer together
So you must have been lying
But you weren't really lying
Because you didn't know you were lying
At the time

And breaking up
Made a lot of sense, it was
Best for us
Under the circumstance, and it
Hurts, but not that much
And we're still sort of friends, 'cause

Neither of us did anything that shitty...
And even if I still think that you're pretty...
We still have to live in the same city...
So I won't throw away our friendship for
A chance to look at titties

Breaking up
Made a lot of sense, it was
Best for us
Under the circumstance, and it
Hurts, but not that much
And we're still sort of friends, 'cause
Neither of us did anything that shitty...
Track Name: I Wanna Eat Everything
I wanna make myself a sandwich
Pile it high with plenty of canned fish
'Til it stands taller than a hand's width
I'm eatin' up your bandwidth
Lookin' for a recipe for flan
Which I'll have for dessert
I'll eat the sandwich first
And maybe like a pasta salad
Off to the side
And a bowl of soup to cleanse my palate
And something fried
Like an onion ring, or a chicken wing, or a veggie springroll
I might just try to fry a living thing whole
I'm so hungry I could eat a horse or a car
Or a helicopter on its way to Isla Nublar
And once I got there I could eat a clone of a dinosaur
I could eat a raptor or Sam Jackson's severed arm
Life, uh, finds a way to be delicious
And amphibian genetic code is notably nutritious
I am the perfect predator, I'm cunning and I'm vicious
I'll eat everything in sight and when I'm done I'll eat the dishes

I WANNA EAT EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING, ALL THE TIME
I ate an all­-you­-can­-eat buffet out of business in seven days
I ate so many Eggs­ Bennies my blood turned into Hollandaise
I WANNA EAT EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING

I get hungry in the middle of snacks
I get panic attacks, if I run out of Jello pudding packs
I order pizza to eat while I wait
For the takeout I ordered from the Vietnamese buffet
My appetite is like dynamite, detonating with such insatiable cravings
I can't stop myself from salivating
Concentrating constantly to keep my control
'Cause if I didn't I already would've swallowed you whole
I'll never be full, I've come to accept this
I eat breakfast, lunch and dinner for breakfast
Lupper and brunch, even supfast and snunch,
I'll eat 'em all and still be ready to munch
I was designed to dine, constructed to consume
I could eat the whole world and still have room
I got a scientist to swap out all my organs and guts
I got seventeen stomachs and eighteen butts

I WANNA EAT EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING, ALL THE TIME
I once ate a phonebook without even trying
I eat, sleep and breathe food ­ doctors say I'm dying
I WANNA EAT EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING, ALL THE TIME
My esophagus leads to another dimension
My internal anatomy defies comprehension
I WANNA EAT EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING, ALL THE TIME
I'm digging up info to blow off the lid
On the secret fifth food group that the government hid
I WANNA EAT EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING, ALL THE TIME
And if the secret service hears what I said
And I wind up dead...

Bury me inside the food pyramid
Track Name: Feelings
I met a girl, we really connected
And that's not even a euphemism
We both like the films that David Fincher directed
For their beauty and their cynicism
She attempted to turn our conversation into flirtation and I
I poured out my chai all over the table
And threw my butter chicken wrap at her face

'Cause people are awful
And feelings are bullshit
No matter what we try to pretend, yeah
People are awful
And feelings are bullshit
And I never wanna feel 'em again

I had a friend, a friend who got married
To a girl he loved 'cause she felt the same
Asked me to be the best man, I said "I'd be honoured, Gary,"
Think I forgot to mention Gary's his name
After the ceremony I grabbed the microphone and tapped it twice
Then shat in my tux and sat on the wedding cake
While screaming the lyrics to Gangsta's Paradise

'Cause people are awful
And feelings are bullshit
No matter what we try to pretend, yeah
People are awful
And feelings are bullshit
And I never wanna feel 'em again
Been spending most our lives living in a Gangsta's Paradise
Been spending most our lives living in a Gangsta's Paradise
Been spending most our lives living in a Gangsta's Paradise
Been spending most our lives living in a Gangsta's Paradise
Track Name: Life
live inside a skeleton, wrapped in meat
Stuffed with guts and all the stuff that guts excrete
Churning full of chemicals and toxic gas
Slowly going rotten as the decades pass
And floating in my skull there is a big grey lump
A pile of mush that runs this fucking garbage dump
And everything I think and hope and dream and feel
Is electricity in my brain and no one can explain how it works or if it's real

My whole existence... is a nightmare, how bout yours?
Being alive is weird as hell... but that doesn't matter because
I like you, and you...
You like me too, yeah the...
The world is totally fucked up but you're okay

I'm standing on a fireball that's been encased
Inside a rock that's hurtling through outer space
At like a million miles an hour as it whips around
Another giant fireball and can't slow down
And when that giant fireball explodes, we're screwed
Our stupid rock will melt down into cosmic goo
And everything that's ever been a thing will be erased
But it doesn't matter 'cuz we'll have been dead for millenia already anyway

This universe is... just a crapshoot, on the whole
Everything everywhere is fucked... but that doesn't matter because
I like you, and you...
You like me too, yeah the...
The world is totally fucked up but you're okay

Some people try to find the meaning of life
But that's the craziest thing you can do
Because the meaning behind something as fucked up as life
Would have to be pretty fucked up, too

Some people think a wizard lives up in the sky
And he looks after people after people die
And also there's a monster underneath the dirt
And his job is to trick us into being jerks
But other people think that none of that exists
And if you try to argue they get really pissed
The only thing upon which they can all agree
Is at the end of the day there's still nothing more crazy than Scientology

People's opinions... are all stupid, and bizarre
Believing in stuff is mostly crap... but that doesn't matter because
I like you, and you...
You like me too, yeah the...
The world is totally fucked up, but you're okay