I should probably introduce myself
I don't think we've ever formally met
But I've known your son for many years
I'm the monster that lives under his bed
I used to scare the crap out of him
I'd make him scream until he was nauseous
I taught him that the world can be a frightening place
I taught him he should always be cautious

But lately he's been more concerned with his laptop
He's on it all through the night
And the sounds I've heard coming out of his speakers
Have me thinking something isn't quite right

Your kid's been watching really weird porn
Since you and your wife got divorced
He started with some girl on girl
And moved right into girl on horse
It's only natural, of course, for a kid to be curious
But he Googled "watersports"
And it's making me nervous and so
I just thought you should know

Much like my associate
I've known your son for quite some time
I'm the monster that lives in his closet
And he's hiding stuff in there that he don't want you to find
He went through a shoplifting phase
But that was over soon enough
And there's some crust socks and junk
But I'm not bothered by any of that stuff

The thing that more concerns me arrived
In a little clear plastic bag
And I have to admit, I know exactly what it is
'cuz I stole myself a couple of drags
And let me tell you

Your kid's been smoking terrible weed
It's the worst shit that I've ever tried
It's so full of stems and seeds
I'm amazed it even gets him high
Yet he continues to buy it, gram after gram (after gram)
I don't know what he's paying
But I'm sure he's getting scammed, and so
I just thought you should know

I've always had your son's best interests in my heart
But I may have been a bit off-base with that thing
I mentioned back at the start

I think your son is probably gay
Or bicurious at least
He's been overcompensating with weird straight porn
But he still watches a whole lot of Glee
He feels like he can't be his true self when he's near you
And if you don't learn to accept him
He'll continue to fear you, and so
I just thought you should know
If you don't want him to go
Quit using words like "homo"